Calm Is: Being Out of Control

Accepting you’re not fully responsible for everyone and everything in your life and lean into being "out of control" will give you more calm.

When was the last time you felt totally in control of your kids and your life? I’m guessing the answer is like everyone else’s: pretty much never.

Being in control is a myth

We potentially influence situations and people, but we don’t control anything or anyone else. We can only control our own words, actions, and behaviors. And even then, with hormones and exhaustion, those can go flying out the window as well. (Cue passive-aggressive-kitchen-cabinet-slamming).

“No Gi for me”

My son Sage tried martial arts a couple of years ago. From the start, he refused to wear the robe, or the Gi (pronounced, “ghee”). At first, the Sensei patiently let him participate, but after a few weeks, he was told he had to wear the uniform or he could no longer be part of the class.

I could’ve freaked out, tried to pin him down to put it on for him, or bribed him to “make him do it.” Trust me, inside my head I thought, “Why won’t he just put the damn thing on?” And I thought of my grandfather who probably wouldn’t have allowed his great-grandson to refuse the Gi and leave. But I (and a lot of millennial parents) am not comfortable forcing my kid to do an extracurricular.

Instead, I harnessed the calm of being “out of control” and approached him by saying, “I know you’re really upset and want to keep doing karate without wearing the Gi. I understand, but it’s your choice – wear the Gi and do karate, or don’t wear it and don’t participate.”

I felt calmer knowing it was his boundary, not mine, and he had every right to choose not to wear the Gi and experience the natural consequence of stopping karate.

More “We’re not in control” examples:

I can pack my kid the most amazing lunch, but I can’t make them eat it.
I can enforce going to school, but I can’t force my kids to pay attention to their teachers.
I can ensure my kids wear fancy outfits to a formal event, but I can’t force them to enjoy it or smile genuinely for pictures.
I can leave early to get to the airport but still hit extraordinary traffic that makes me late.
I can hope for a sunny day for my kid’s birthday party, but I can’t stop it if it rains.

What you own vs. others

You can prepare, build systems, and create rituals to influence life as positively as possible, but sh&* will still hit the fan. Life, especially with kids, isn’t a math equation, it’s completely unpredictable.

Calm can be found in identifying what is yours to own versus what others own.

We’re raising our kids, but they are not us. We can feel compassion, but we don’t have to, nor should we feel responsible for every bad feeling our kids have. We can have wishes and hopes for them, and strong influence, but we have no control or rights over who they become.

Let go of the expectation you’re fully responsible for everyone in your life and I promise you will experience more calm.